Have you ever noticed that your parents, grandparents and pretty much anyone a generation or two older than you likes to always remind you of how lucky you are? They run this guilt trip on you like it was your fault that cars didn’t exist in 1920 and they had to walk to school. The truth is that the greatest technological advances in America today actually were invented after I was 10 years old. But hey, you don’t hear us Gen X’ers bitching to Gen Y about “back when I was young”.
If you asked most Americans what the most important inventions of the 20th century were you would hear things like the affordable automobile, the Space Shuttle and the personal computer. So as a sports fan, self proclaimed chicken wing connoisseur and pop culture child of the 80’s, I got to thinking about what I considered to be the most important inventions of my lifetime. Now first of all, I don’t want to hear from anyone about how a prior invention led to any of my most important inventions. This is my list and if you don’t like it, make your own list. Now mind you that my thinking isn’t always linear (or rational) without the assistance of mild hallucinogenics. But after the first puff….all will become not only clear, but it will inspire to re-analyze your own life in ways you never though possible. Ok, so I am prone to hyperbole. All I know, is that the following inventions have had the greatest impact on my life:
Invention #1 - The Wireless Remote Control
Televisions started finding their way into households in the 1950’s and color tv wasn’t even popular until the 70’s. However, it is the remote control that changed America. Let me give you a quick rationale behind this. Without the remote control, cable telelvsion wouldn’t have been as successful and DirecTV would never have existed. This is because it would be too much of a pain in the ass to have to walk to your cable box to change channels once there were hundreds of stations available. So, without cable or DirectTV, there would be no ESPN, and without ESPN, Erin Andrews would not pop up on my screen at least 3 times a week during football season. The loss of any or all of these would be considered minor catastrophes in my personal life.
If you are under the age of 35, you probably don’t realize that before the wireless remote control, there were actually two less effective precursors. The first remote controls actually were attached to a 6-foot wire that stretched out of your television. What genius thought of that? Who watches their tv six feet from the screen besides the visually impaired and grandparents? This actually may have qualified as one of the dumbest inventions of the 20th century.
The other form of the remote control had its effectiveness based on how old you were. For example, my parents got our first color television when I was 4. As soon as I could read the UHF and VHF dials and understand the spoken word, I was ordained the family remote control. Dad wants the tv switched from the Incredible Hulk to the Million Dollar Man? Dave, get off the couch and change the channel. Grandma wants the tv turned on? “Dave get in here and come turn on the tv for your grandmother!” As a four year old, you are only too proud to find anything of assistance you can do to help your family. All you want to do is earn a little four year old respect. In today’s world, social services would probably confiscate your child if you had them flipping channels for you all day and night. In 1976 and in a more innocent time, this was just part of duties of being a son in a house without a wireless remote.
Finally, what man doesn’t love the luxury of being able to switch the channel at 3:00am every 30 seconds between the 1980 Sugar Bowl on ESPN Classic, a Billy Mays infomercial and soft-core porn on Skinamax?
Invention #2 - NFL Sunday Ticket
When I was growing up, you got to watch 3 or 4 NFL games a week. This was usually your home team, another 1pm Eastern game, an AFC West afternoon game and then Monday night football. If your home team was as crappy as my Atlanta Falcons, then usually they didn’t sell out their home games and even that was blacked out. I know some of you under 35 are thinking, well why didn’t you go to a sports bar if you were such an NFL fan? The answer is there were no real sports bars until about 1987. It wasn’t until around that time that people started buying those giant 6-foot satellite dishes and stealing the signal from all over the world that sports bars became relevant.
In Atlanta, the original sports bar was The Varsity located in dowtown Atlanta. Not only did they have the world’s greatest chili dog and onion rings, they also had entire rooms dedicated to one television network…and the TV was a 23-inch tube tv. So as a kid on Sunday’s you could go to The Varsity and run back and forth between the two rooms that had the NBC and CBS games on. Remember, you would do anything not to have to sit at home and be the human remote control.
In 1994, the NFL was still lagging behind Major League Baseball as America’s Favorite Sport. It was the combined vision of NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue and the NFL owners that forever tilted the balance in favor of the NFL. What they realized is that Americans love gambling. Whether its the millions bet legally in Las Vegas, the billions bet illegally or fantasy football we just love to have some action on a game we are watching. The problem for the NFL was that too many people didn’t get a chance to watch enough of the teams to feel confident enough to put money on the outcome. At the time, Rotisserie or Fantasy Baseball was the predominent form of gambling among sports degenerates like me. As soon as The Ticket was launched, all of the sudden, you could sit at your house and watch every NFL game on Sundays? Instantly the focus switched to Fantasy Football, gambling on football with your local bookie and doing all of this while sitting on your couch.
Invention #3 - The Chicken McNugget
Many Pluckers fans that are 25 or younger don’t realize that before 1983, there were no chicken fingers or chicken wings. In fact, people in America rarely ate chicken at all in restaurants unless it was at a cafeteria. Luckily for all of us, McDonalds changed the way we viewed chicken forever. Instead of being a bland piece of overcooked meat, the original Chicken McNuggets were delicious little fried pieces of chicken parts that were smashed into nugget form. If you are over 30, I am sure you remember the first first few years after their launch with every 6 pack of McNuggets there was always that one nugget in the pack where you knew definitely didn’t have the taste or texture of any chicken you had eaten before. It was rubbery, tendony and mildly nauseous. But dip it in some Hot Mustard or Sweet and Sour sauce and even the worst McNugget beat the hell out of mom’s cooking.
Luckilly, McNuggets gave way to chicken fingers and chicken fingers gave way to the popularity of chicken wings. Sure, the Anchor Bar in Buffalo invented wings back in the 60’s, but no one was interested in any chicken product until the McNugget.
If you have noticed, all of the above inventions are important to my life for a reason. That reason is because without these inventions, there would be no Pluckers. So we should all give thanks to these inventions for helping make our lives a better place.