How to Choose (and not to Choose) Your Next Restaurant
Monday, May 11th, 2009For some reason, every person who likes food or has ever been told they are a good cook at some point in his life thinks to himself, “maybe I should open a restaurant”. It amazes me how many people with little to no experience open their own restaurant. If you’ve ever watched Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, you have a good understanding at what I am talking about.
I know from personal experience working at other restaurants just how low the morale and standards can get under poor leadership. I thought it would be a good idea to let you know how to look for the signs of a bad restaurant before you make the mistake of eating there. On the flip side, there are signs to look for that will tell you a restaurant experience is going to be great. Some of my rules for choosing a good restaurant may surprise many of you as well.
Signs to Avoid a Restaurant
The Building Signage is Out
You know how you drive down the highway at night and see that restaurant sign where half the lights are out? If it’s a restaurant in your neighborhood and you know the signage recently went out, then it’s no big deal because that will happen from time to time. However, if you drive by that sign and they never fix it, stay away from this restaurant. A restaurant that knows they are throwing off that vibe to the public on the exterior, definitely isn’t going to take pride on the interior.
It kind of reminds me of that scene from Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise with the Hotel Coral Essex where half the lights on the sign are out. Actually that has nothing to do with my point, but any time I can reference any of the Nerds Trilogy, I’ll jump on the opportunity. And if you are saying, well Dave, there were actually four Revenge of the Nerds movies, please know that I do not consider the vastly inferior made for TV Nerds IV: Nerds in Love to be a legitimate part of the series. It’s kind of like Rocky 5, where everyone wants to pretend that it never really happened.
The Restaurant Has Pictures of the Food on the Menu
On the Pluckers menu, we have random pictures of our food and that is totally cool. However, if a restaurant has to take a picture of all 36 entrees and place it next to each item on the menu so you know what it will look like, you are guaranteed a terrible meal. I mean, do I really need to see what the Western Omelet looks like? In this case be assured that 1) the food will never look like the picture and 2) it will taste even worse. A notable exception goes to the Waffle House where the pictures can’t even do justice to how incredible an order of hashbrowns “Scattered, Smothered and Covered” truly is at 3am.
There are more than 5 “Specials” are Offered on the Menu
You may ask, what’s wrong with specials? Well, anyone who has worked in a restaurant knows that the following scientific formula generally applies:Just like E=MC², in a restaurant:Specials = What’s left in the cooler and about to spoilRemember, restaurants are a business and like any business, they don’t want to throw out inventory. Unfortunately in our business, we have to try and predict how much of each food item our guests will order before that item goes bad. What’s the best way to get rid of aging product? You guessed it, the answer is specials. Don’t think that fine dining restaurants are immune to this either because they are more expensive. In fact, these restaurants will be more likely than casual dining restaurants to get rid of inventory through specials because their inventory costs more. If a restaurant has a couple of specials on the menu, it may be because the chef wants to try out a few new menu items. However, if the menu has 5 things on special, they are trying to ditch that last piece of salmon that’s been in the walk-in cooler for 6 days.
Your Group is the Only People in the Restaurant
Let’s face it, you aren’t Anthony Bourdain about to find that great little hole in the wall everyone else missed. What you are about to be is the dummy who doesn’t realize that you are the only people in the restaurant because no one else wants to eat there! By eating at these restaurants, you aren’t supporting the local economy or being kind by helping out a struggling small business. You might as well just go up to the proprietor and ask for an order of the runs with a side of salmonella.
Dave’s Aside – Do as I say, Not as I Do
OK, so I just gave you four foolproof signs of why not to visit a restaurant. Unfortunately, somehow, I always forget to follow my own advice. In March, I was in a tiny town in Laos called Luang Prabang. Because I AM the idiot who thinks he is Anthony Bourdain, I convinced my friend that we should eat at a sleepy (read: no other customers) restaurant by the Mekong Delta. The place was run by two affable Laotian men under the age of 19 who looked like they had zero restaurant experience. So what do I do? After looking at their menu that was full of pictures I tell them to give us all of the “off-menu” specials. All I can tell you is that having food poisoning for 4 days in Southeast Asia is not my idea of a fun vacation.
Signs that you Should Eat at a Restaurant
The Building Signage is Out
Now wait a minute, didn’t you just tell me that is a sign NOT to eat at a restaurant? Well there are rules and there are exceptions. If the restaurant looks like it has been there for more than 30 years and the signage is flickering, this can be the holy grail of restaurants. It isn’t laziness in this case, it is character. Come to think of it, any restaurant that has been around long enough to have the lights on the sign legitimately flickering has to be good.
The Griddle Looks Like it Hasn’t Been Cleaned in 20 Years
I love a good greasy spoon. It amazes me how people avoid dirty restaurants. For instance, most of the best hamburger joints look like they could very well be infested with cockroaches. I say that means the burgers are guaranteed to be tasty. Come on, live a little. In case you didn’t know it, everyday foods regulated by the FDA like chocolate or ketchup are chocked full of insects. Hell, in Australia they allow up to 8% of chocolate bars to be insects. A little extra protein never hurt anyone. The next time you are at a greasy spoon, take a look at the griddle. If it looks brand new, you are missing out on years of fat and grease that has seeped into the pores of the flat-top and being transferred lovingly onto your plate. An exception would be a greasy spoon that has no customers. Then you have to refer to the rule above. However, the next time you are in a city where you don’t know where to eat, look for the dirtiest looking, crowded restaurant and you are guaranteed a great meal.
Ethnic Food Restaurants That Butcher the English Language
As a general rule, my favorite Thai, Chinese, Mexican and Vietnamese restaurants do not correctly use the English language. For instance, if you want Kung Pao Chicken, you don’t want it described to you in a way that is easy to understand. It’s better when it says something like “slice of chicken cooks with green pepper and peanut”. I think we need to grant these restaurants poetic license the way we would a Wordsworth or Thoreau. A great example is my favorite chicken restaurant in the world called El Regio in San Marcos,
Street Food
It constantly amazes me how many people don’t consider street food among the best around. I have been fortunate enough to visit countries all over the world and usually the tastiest food you will find in places like
